not quite sure

Wow, I was reading a couple of my earlier posts and let me just say there was a lot more truth in them than I realized at the time. The funny thing about it is that as much as it hurts now Im glad it has happened the way it did. It really showed me a few peoples true colors and they will never be able to shade them again.
BUT, on the other hand, I am still unable to rely on myself or rely on others. I did think i was doing well for awhile but i must have closed my eyes  and tgripped myself because i seem to be right back where i started from. 1 day at a time.
But I must give a shout out to The Ranting Monkey, cause sometimes he seems to be able to put into words what i didn't even know i was feeling or to just give me one heck of a laugh.
LOVE THAT MONKEY

plain old me

So I was thinking earlier about how often people let me down, (friends, family, ect.) and i remembered the saying You can only rely on yourself. It really sent me off on another whole thing, you can't really rely on yourself. Or at least i can't, I let myself down all the time, probably more than other people do. I hold myself to much higher standards and expectations it just seems that I set myself up for failure. I try every day to do one thing that could make me a better person, whether it be not to judge some one or stand up for myself or just face something that bothers me.  Then I thought how often do I let people down, by accident or otherwise. If I want to have my friends and family be better towards me, maybe I need to be better friends and family to them. Its time to start working more on me.

an irritation

So I was reminded today of one of my pet peeves. People who say they are going to do one thing and don't. For example, say they are going to come over and hang out but don't and then not even call and let us know or even the fact that they don't answer their phone when we call to find out where they are.
I mean really people is it that complicated, if you aren't going to do something then why say you are or at least have the common courtesy to call and let people know that you changed your mind. I am tired of being shit on and pushed aside by people that are supposed to be my best friends. Maybe that is why friend  ends in the word end because they all eventually end. Unfortunately allot end because one side doesn't realize something as small as common courtesy is very important.
I swear if it keeps up I'm going to have to put my foot down. I'm tired of having to be there and do for them when the can't even do what they say, its not like i asked them to come over they said they were all on there own.
GRRRRRRR
Enough for now

Rambler

Well, to start with I need to send a shout out to THE RANTING MONKEY for the very positive comment. I truly appreciate it.
Now, on to my HORRIBLE day that actually started last night with a sick kid and the hubby and I fighting all last night and this morning, which leads to this morning where my little man decided to be the spawn of Satan. gratefully after we got the kids off to school our day improved tremendously.
Mr The Ranting Monkey will understand this one, I had do do something i never wanted to do.....Apply for my old job back at Walmart. It made me sick to do it, but i need to work and take care of my family so i can suck it up and do it.
I have put so many resumes out there and have done so many applications I swear places make the process so hard so people that truly want it are the only ones that finish them.
Wow this is a very rambly post, it truly was not my intention. I actually had some really insightful things i wanted to get out that I had been thinking about last night when i couldn't sleep. Oh well I will save those for a later date.

From the survivor

For over 15 years I have been a victim, maybe not by my standards but by those of society. Its hard for me to admit that a few terrible things that happened to me when i was a child, left me a victim for all these years but it happened. just now recently i decided that i am no longer going to be a victim but a survivor instead, I have been on this journey for over a year and I would like to think I have came along way. I am going to be a better person for it in more than one way.
They say to forgive the people that have hurt you because you are doing it for you self, but in my mind I can never forgive him but I can forgive myself for not forgiving him and that is OK because God will forgive me as well. In my opinion there are just some things that can never be forgiven. That does not mean I am a bad person, just a realist who does not hide my head in sand, just like saying that everything happens for a reason, I call BULLSHIT on that one as well.
i will not apologize for my ramblings.

a starting point

I doubt anyone, anywhere will ever read this, but that is okay with me. I got the whim to do this from a friend with his own blog. I thought i would give it a try. I went with the name Inside the mind of ...... because I am many different things so its hard to say where certain posts may come from (for example mom, wife, daughter, friend, survivor, well you get the point.) They may be random and told in no particular order.